This is what happens when you innocently go looking for new tracks and get totally and completely sidetracked. So, everyone's favorite Fergie recorded a cover of Heart's "Barracuda" for the Shrek the Third soundtrack. Now, I admit, I wasn't the biggest Fergie fan, there was something about her tuneless Rex Harrison act for the Black Eyed Peas that betrayed the memory of the big-voiced brassy blonde named Stacey Ferguson I remembered from late 90's pop travesty act Wild Orchid. Pinkie kept trying to convince me than the new Candie's shoes spokesmodel was out-Gwenning Gwen Stefani, but I remained staunchly loyal to the former Queen of Orange County.

That is, until we had a little Fergie binge just now. Believe me, you need to hear this.

Fergie -- Barracuda.

She can uh, really sing. Anyone know who's in her backing band here? They've labored very, very hard to sound like Howard Leese. Naturally, you need the original, for comparison:

Heart -- Barracuda.


And, while we're on the Fergie kick, you probably need to be reminded of her turn in the aforementioned Wild Orchid. Boy, this really hasn't aged well, has it? Or, uh, was it ever good? Hmmm.



Pinkie was stunned that Fergie could actually sing. I reminded her of Ms. Ferguson's turn on Kids Incorporated... here, ca. 1984, doing "Let's Hear it For the Boy" with, uh, Martika and future Wild Orchid-mate Renee Sandstrom. (It's highly amusing when taken in juxtaposition with "Fergalicious," btw)




Oh, what the heck, you need a Martika infusion too, right?



Martika -- Martika's Kitchen.

Wow, what is it with the Kids Incorporated alums?! Did they all turn out completely bonkers and destined to record pop songs where they namecheck themselves? (If you uh, make it through the video above, you'll see what I mean... MARTIKALICIOUS!) Alternatively, it's gotta burn to have a project like this one when your former colleagues are making jillions...

Naturellement, you need this as the final word in everything...



Fergie -- Fergalicious (Tyler Nelson Beat Mix).

First, utter hilarity from Spinner, AOL's totally invisible music site/blog thing: James Murphy vs. blogger Hayen Merrit of Telephone Panda (har har har!), re: backlash and uh, Ultimate Combat and um, the fact that Murphy is "a snake." (OBVS!)



***

Places we won't be tonight: Ok, look -- it's a Tuesday. I know I live in NYC and all, but this is kind of ridiculous:

Arcade Fire & The National -- Radio City Music Hall United Palace Theater SOLD OUT (capacity: 6000 3292)
Ben Gibbard & Dave Bazan -- Town Hall SOLD OUT (capacity: 1500)
Bjork & Spank Rock -- Apollo Theater SOLD OUT (capacity: 1464)
Blonde Redhead & Fields -- Webster Hall SOLD OUT (capacity: 1400)
Amy Winehouse -- Highline Ballroom SOLD OUT (capacity: 700)
Beirut & Final Fantasy -- Bowery Ballroom SOLD OUT (capacity: 550)

That means approx. 12,000 10,000 "indie"/"hipster" kids of all persuasions will be concentrated in six venues around the city tonight. Sounds like an Onion story waiting to happen. "Scary sucking void created in LES, Williamsburg on night of six sold-out rock shows."

Seriously, though -- looking at this, I'd say that dude, the music industry's issues are so about internal business disorganization and an aging business model, rather than the lack of alternative revenue potential.

In the meantime, there's some non-packed options tonight and lots of good Wednesday options that still have tickets available -- guess everyone is shooting their wad tonight.

***

You clearly need some music for your troubles. Clearly.

Ola Podrida -- Cindy. I doubt the dudes in Ola Podrida wrote this about me, but it would be especially funny if they did -- right? Can we call this country shoegaze? Shoegazey folk? Brought to you by some of the lovely people behind American Analog Set, hence the gorgeous lushness. (myspace)

Nina Simone -- Sinnerman. Posted sort of as an inside joke, but Nina Simone is always good for what ails you. ALWAYS.

Escort -- A Bright New Life. There's a new Escort 12" out -- "All Through The Night". And they're recording a full-length, finally. Rock on, Escort. Please continue to be awesome. (myspace)

Depeche Mode -- Just Can't Get Enough (Dirty South Mix). Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do think you need to have a dance party with yourself, right now. DO IT.

Loose Joints -- All Over My Face (Original Long Version). Oh, why not? Because I deleted this in The Great Achive Purge. And you so need to listen to it again, or for the first time. Either/or. Probably one of the best songs of all time. This is all kind of connected to the James Murphy discussion above, stylistically, at least. (And yes, Pinkie, this is the one with the male vocal instead...)

I was so tired and slammed today -- I wanted to post and didn't get around to it. I think I may still be just a smidgen drained from seeing the Bellmer Dolls on Friday, even though I lounged around for the rest of the weekend. It was highly amusing -- the usual Fun denizens were in Studio B's mythical "other room" which could only be reached by traipsing through the crowd of gloomcookies who came out for the Bellmer Dolls and made the entire main room look like that dark corner of the gym where misfits hung out in high school. The looks on the faces of the hipster kids coming for the underground dance party really were quite priceless when they were faced with a wall of coldwave, as selected by guest dj Alex Chow. (Pinkie swears she heard some Antler action in his set... We'd post some Poesie Noire or something, but Pinkie just has it on vinyl, and we are so not putting up some Lords of Acid, y'all. You understand.)

Anyway, we were pleased that the Dolls tried out some of their fabulous new songs on the small but enthusiastic crowd. Here's a visual aid (photo by Collin LaFleche); Pinkie wrote elsewhere (she's kindly letting me quote her here):

Like I said on the bus the other night, watching Peter is like watching a young and dirty hot tent revival preacher on a hot summer night. He's not handling snakes, but he's feeling the spirit, and even though he's holding his bible open, it's just a tangible link to the divine because he doesn't need it for reference to scripture. For those 20 minutes, he's God's tool, but afterwards it's likely that he'll be a creature of the flesh, waging his own battle with the sins of liquor and women, saying things like "you look good in your skin, girl." And Anthony is his straight man, and Daniel just drives. ... You have Preacher Man Peter poised on the edge of offering someone deliverance and engaging with Anthony in this uneasy-making, primal, completely masculine, and hetero-erotic (yes, I said hetero) paso doble. It's really a paso doble, in the tradition of bull fights. ... Seeing the Bellmer Dolls gives me that same weird feeling that I get when I start to wonder if there is any truth to the legend that Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads so that he could play the blues.

They're also playing an already sold-out show with the Secret Machines on the 19th as part of the High Line Festival (Highly recommended if you feel like Craigslisting it...) and are working on a full-length album.

Here's an earlier track from their previously well-received ep on Hungry Eye records, The Big Cats Will Throw Themselves Over.

Bellmer Dolls -- Push, Push

***
In other news, Rihanna's "Umbrella" is totally our unequivocal broken heart summer jam (oh, boys can be such trouble sometimes...) -- it makes you happy and sad at the same time, as all great pop songs do. And wow, we sure do love the video.



Rihanna feat. Jay-Z -- Umbrella (Clean)

(And dude, who cares if that's not her en pointe, really? The fetishy aesthetic is grand...)

Reminds us a lot of this particular video too...



Madonna -- Fever

...which of course, made us then think of this ...



Sinead O'Connor -- You Do Something To Me

which inevitably brought us full circle, back to the Wiemar Republic, with:



Marlene Dietrich -- Falling in Love Again from The Blue Angel

ps -- Watch out, it's gettin on summer, and we're kind of totally freestyle-mad. Doesn't help that they air the commercial for Forever Freestyle constantly on VH1 Classics -- even during Metal Mania. Stay tuned! You've been warned.